ONE
There was a cheap smoker named Bisch
Whose calabash smelled just like fish.
He smoked drugstore blends,
and old shoelace ends,
and wouldn't buy sweet cavandish.
TWO
There once was a man name of Baker
Who was a fireworks maker.
While working one night,
He dropped his lit pipe,
and blew up himself, plus an acre.
THREE
Said the man with a most pronounced pout
"I fear that my pipe has gone out."
To the pub full of blighters
He asked, "Who has lighters?"
"For a light I'll buy you a Stout."
FOUR
Old Tom McShane lives in Dublin
Where his briars are always a bubblin'
His friends say, "Smoke dry!"
and he asks, "But why?"
"'Tis the soap, not the blend, that's troublin'"
FIVE
A pipe smoking female named Nancy
loved all kinds of pipes, plain and fancy;
whether Dunhill, by chance,
or a cheap one from France,
she found any smoke quite entrancing.
SIX
At the annual Pipesters Convention
A very large briar got attention
It was seven foot ten
From the bowl to the stem
But it smoked too poorly to mention.
SEVEN
There grew a gaunt tree in Sardinia
--You could not find one much skinniyah.
From its lowly rough burl,
Came a perfect brown pearl,
With an excellent grain quite lineah.
EIGHT
I favor a straight grained Il Ceppo
While waiting on line at the depot.
I think you will find
It's a similar kind.
To the brand smoked by Chico, and Zeppo.
NINE
A carver named Ali ben Neyer
Declined to work with fine briar.
"It's heavy and hard,
and easily marred,
and for meerschaum there's always a buyer."
TEN
There once was an old country parson,
whose favorite pipes were by Larsen;
While smoking at prayer,
he burned off his hair--
now surely that's no case of arson.
ELEVEN
As his meerschaum began to turn gold
young Johnny just panicked, we're told:
"When new it was white,
like an ivory light;
but now it's turned yellow and old!"
TWELVE
A saucy young gal named Maria
Was sipping a vintage Sangria.
She liked her smokes sassy,
Her men bold and brassy--
And loved to smoke strong Latakia.
THIRTEEN
Poor Jack spent his money on booze,
Which he drank through the holes in his shoes.
He smoked only dottle,
To go with his bottle--
'Twas the only tobacco he'd use.
FOURTEEN
When Benny's house burned to the ground,
It was noted he made not a sound;
He had rescued his briars
From the onslaught of fires
And thought himself lucky, all 'round.
FIFTEEN
Miss Julie her man she did pamper
And bought him a solid gold tamper;
But while smoking his pipe,
In the woods late one night,
'Twas stolen, alas, by a camper.
SIXTEEN
Old John, was the county inspector,
and was always a great pipe collector;
one morn he awoke
to find his pipes broke
which he'd done while drinking Scotch nectar.
SEVENTEEN
While smoking a fine old Havana,
Sir Percy slipped on a banana.
He fell to the floor,
And slid toward the door,
But stopped when he reached the piana.
Pop: a device for smoking tobacco
Brar: a wood from which most pops are made
Bee-Yut: the part of a pop held between the teeth
Natchurl: a pop with no stain
Ray-Yud: a color some pops are stained
Clayner: a cotton-covered wire swab for pops
ONE
Court Clerk: "Your Honor, I know you travel and lecture extensively when court is not in session, especially in South America and The Caribbean. Have you ever tried to bring in Cuban cigars after a trip?"
Judge Smith: "No, but I've tried several fellows who have!"
A clever freshman at a leading university, ordered fifty pounds of his favorite pipe tobacco to be delivered. He hoped it would be enough for his four year academic adventure. He was aware that smoking in the rooms on campus was forbidden, but could not bare the thought of giving up his pipe except when off school grounds. He enjoyed the tobacco for the first three years, but was found out during the fourth and called before a board of inquiry. "Sir," asked his questioner, "What possible excuse could you have for keeping tobacco in your room?" "It was for reasons of health," the freshman replied. "How can that be?" asked the incredulous man. "Well," replied the freshman, " I was very weak at one point, but the tobacco helped me." "You mean to tell me you are stronger now because of the tobacco?" "Yes," answered the freshman, "for, when the bag of tobacco first arrived I could barely manage to drag it around the room. Now, I can pick it up easily."
Two lecturers with opposing views on pipe care met in debate at the invitation of the local pipe club. Richard H. Carlton advised smokers to let their dirty pipes pile up, uncleaned, for a week or two, and then have a cleaning day during which all pipes were cleaned thorouhly. John Burle advised that pipes be cleaned immediately after each use, as soon as they became cool, and felt that they accumulatred oils and other liquids if allowed to just sit for such a long time as Carlton advocated. Carlton offered a number of opinions and Burle felt it necssary to refute several of them. Burle insisted that pipe smokers must be cautious and responsible in the way they care for their pipes, and must never use shortcuts or be lazy in their methods. During their debate, Carlton became annoyed with Burle, feeling Burle was simply too demanding of smokers. "Mr Burle," said Carlton, I have to tell you that my opinion of you is a perfectly contemptable one." John Burle replied, "I never knew any opinion of yours on the subject of pipes, Mr. Carlton, which was not contemptable."
Two gentlemen walked into a tobacconist's shop. Said the short one, a fellow about who it was said he always had a keen grasp of the obvious, "Look at that beautiful meerschaum laying on its side in the case there!" The other, taller gentleman looked and agreed that it was, indeed, a meerschaum. "Yes, I see it," he responded. The short gentleman took a closer look and declared, "That's the finest work I've ever seen! Why, there's not a flaw anywhere; it's carved to perfection!" He then proceeded to admire it worshipfully. Replied the taller gentleman, a fellow who always insisted upon complete accuracy in all matters, "Yes, on this side, anyway."
Professor Adams, a noted expert on smoking pipes, their history, their various forms, and the companies who make them, was giving a lecture to a group of pipe club members, a few of whom had become restless and were more interested in getting away to have a beer at the tavern next door, than hearing the Professor's words of wisdom. Interrupted by the sounds of their rude exit, the Professor said, "Just a minute, gentlemen. I have a few more pearls to cast."
The members of the Country Pipe Club heard a familiar loud and angry sound coming from a corner of their meeting room. Two veteran pipe smokers were arguing with eachother, as they invariably did whenever they met. The white-haired fellow said one must clean a pipe immediately after smoking, but the bald one said, no, one must wait an hour. The white-haired smoker said "You don't know what you're talking about, as usual!" The bald man angrily pointed his pipe at his adversary and said, "Sir, there is a fool at the end of this pipe!" "Ah," said the white-haired man, "at which end?"
A gentleman unused to strong English blends, had embarked upon a period of experimentation, during which he sampled half a dozen mixtures. Unfortunately, his throat developed a terrible tickle and he tried to cough in order to remove the source of his discomfort. Try as he might, he couldn't produce a good cough; this annoyed his family members greatly. Later in the evening, things improved and he was able to cough and thus reduce the annoying tickle in his throat. He said to his still annoyed wife, "Listen, I'm coughing quite easily now." Looking him in the eyes, the wife replied, "You ought to be coughing more easily, for you have been practicing all day and half the evening!"
ONE
Q: My wife has just finished washing all my pipes in the dishwasher. What shall I do? (1) Make her buy me all new ones. (2) Make her my sex slave. (3) Get a divorce. (4) Kill her.
A: All of the above, and make sure they're in that order.
Q: How would I go about obtaining a straight grain briar for around $25.00?
A: Buy a pencil, a ruler, and a light-colored second. Make sure you have a steady hand.
Q: How many times can I use the same pipe cleaner before I have to throw it away?
A: Do you ask this same question about paper plates and condoms?
Q: My wife complains about my pipe smoking , even though I smoke on the back porch. I want a smoking room inside--a little retreat. But since she complains about smoking on the porch, she's not likely to let me have one room inside, is she?
A: Maybe not. But the secret to successful negotiation is starting out with a big demand, then paring it back to look reasonable. Offer her a non-smoking room and tell her you'll take the rest of the house--then you'll get your one room.
Q: I'm thinking of getting into the pipe business. What can you advise me about opening a little shop of my own?
A: Borrow money from as many relatives as possible, but do not mention anything about paying them back; buy good liability insurance in case someone burns his finger on a match and sues you for his life-long disability. You might also consider a little therapy.
Q. I've been told that pipe smokers live longer than non-smokers. Is this true?
A. Only if they mind their own business and don't tell their fellow pipesters how to smoke or criticize their taste in pipes or tobaccos.